CHAPTER XVIII
DAY after day, week after week, passed away on my return to
Geneva; and I could not collect the courage to recommence my
work. I feared the vengeance of the disappointed fiend, yet I
was unable to overcome my repugnance to the task which was
enjoined me. I found that I could not compose a female without
again devoting several months to profound study and laborious
disquisition. I had heard of some discoveries having been made
by an English philosopher, the knowledge of which was material
to my success, and I sometimes thought of obtaining my father's
consent to visit England for this purpose; but I clung to every
pretence of delay, and shrunk from taking the first step in an
undertaking whose immediate necessity began to appear less
absolute to me. A change indeed had taken place in me: my
health, which had hitherto declined, was now much restored; and
my spirits, when unchecked by the memory of my unhappy promise,
rose proportionably. My father saw this change with pleasure,
and he turned his thoughts towards the best method of
eradicating the remains of my melancholy, which every now and
then would return by fits, and with a devouring blackness
overcast the approaching sunshine. At these moments I took
refuge in the most perfect solitude. I passed whole days on the
lake alone in a little boat, watching the clouds, and listening
to the rippling of the waves, silent and listless. But the fresh
air and bright sun seldom failed to restore me to some degree of
composure; and, on my return, I met the salutations of my
friends with a readier smile and a more cheerful heart.
It was after my return from one of these rambles that my father,
calling me aside, thus addressed me:--
"I am happy to remark, my dear son, that you have resumed your
former pleasures, and seem to be returning to yourself. And yet
you are still unhappy, and still avoid our society. For some
time I was lost in conjecture as to the cause of this; but
yesterday an idea struck me, and if it is well founded, I
conjure you to avow it. Reserve on such a point would be not
only useless, but draw down treble misery on us all."