CHAPTER XVIII
DAY after day, week after week, passed away on my
return to Geneva; and I could
not collect the courage to recommence my work. I feared the
vengeance of the disappointed fiend, yet I was unable to
overcome my repugnance to the task which was enjoined me. I found
that I could not compose a female without again devoting several
months to profound study and laborious disquisition. I had heard
of some discoveries having been made by an English philosopher, the
knowledge of which was material to my success, and I sometimes
thought of obtaining my father's consent to visit England for
this purpose; but I clung to every pretence of delay, and shrunk
from taking the first step in an undertaking whose immediate
necessity began to appear less absolute to me. A change indeed
had taken place in me: my health, which had hitherto declined,
was now much restored; and my spirits, when unchecked by the
memory of my unhappy promise, rose proportionably. My father saw
this change with pleasure, and he turned his thoughts towards the
best method of eradicating the remains of my melancholy, which
every now and then would return by fits, and with a devouring
blackness overcast the approaching sunshine. At these moments I
took refuge in the most perfect
solitude. I passed whole
days on the lake alone in a little boat, watching the clouds,
and listening to the rippling of the waves, silent and listless.
But the fresh air and bright sun seldom failed to restore me to
some degree of composure; and, on my return, I met the
salutations of my friends with a readier smile and a more
cheerful heart.
It was after my return from one of these rambles that my
father, calling me aside, thus addressed me:--
"I am happy to remark, my dear son, that you have resumed
your former pleasures, and seem to be returning to yourself. And
yet you are still unhappy, and still avoid our society. For some
time I was lost in conjecture as to the cause of this; but
yesterday an idea struck me, and if it is well founded, I conjure
you to avow it. Reserve on such a point would be not only
useless, but draw down treble misery on us all."
